I started writing this in my new (offline) journal but I feel like it needs to be on here.
I'm really sorry that I pulled the passive-aggressive, short, asshole-ish answer thing tonight when we were texting after you got home from Krystina's house.
I was under the impression that I was going to come to your house and fall asleep next to you and be all cute and it was all I was looking forward to all night. I'm addicted to you, I guess. I like to be with you ALL of the time.
So when you sent me the <3333 message I immediately started walking out to my car, thinking it meant the same as usual and it was time for me to come over. When you told me that you were tired and that you were just going to go to bed, I obviously didn't take it well.
It shouldn't have bothered me because, I mean, we're going to be together ALL weekend and a lot of time during the school year and it's not like I wasn't just going to come over at like 9 a.m. and make breakfast with you anyway.
But for some reason it got under my skin. Maybe I'm still insecure about friends. When Trisha was with her friends, she spent most the time talking shit about me and then would come home all pissed off and wouldn't want to talk to me for a while. I got used to that and I'm still getting over the fact that you, in fact, ACTUALLY like me and don't say bad things about me behind my back.
I guess that I'm still a little bit scared because I'm SO into you. It was so different before. I mean, I met Trisha when I was 15, we started going out when I was 16, but I never felt about her the way I feel about you. I mean, I thought I did because I was young and dumb and didn't know better...but I didn't. And because of that, if something were to have happened and I would have lost her I would have been able to move on fairly easily. Obviously I did end up moving on easily.
But with you it's different. The stakes are so much higher. I want to be with you for the rest of my life. It didn't take long for me to realize that this relationship was going to be so much different from what I knew. After, like, a week I was blown away. I was excited because I could tell this was something big, something so much more than before, but at the same time I started getting scared. There's an attachment that I never felt before...a need that I never felt before. I need you in my life. I NEED you. I need YOU. There is no way in hell I could ever walk away from us without feeling like my heart had been ripped out, stomped on, and then thrown through a garbage disposal. And then I'd die because I can't imagine what my life would be like without you anymore.
This is why I got so upset tonight. I don't want to lose you. The ugly part of me showed itself a little. There's a part of me that likes to get what he wants, all of the time, and when he doesn't get it then he gets mean. It's been dormant for so long because we match up so well and we always like to do the same things, but it's deep in there. It's the residual effects of observing the way my grandfather and father acted towards my grandmother and mother I guess.
Tonight it scared me. It reared its ugly head and for a minute I tried to make you feel bad about not wanting me to come over. When I realized what I was doing it hurt. I hate myself for it. You are SO much better than this. You don't deserve it. You've dealt with it in the past with the other guys, the other guys that I so adamantly believe I'm not like, but I pulled out the same old garbage.
I planned on showing you that I'm nothing like them, because words are cheap and actions speak louder, but tonight I showed you that at least some little part of me can be just as cruel as them.
And I hate myself for it. When I hung up with you I cried a little because I feel like a failure. My stomach hurts. I'm not like them. I'm not. I never want to do that to you again. Never. I don't want to let myself ruin this relationship.
You tried to reassure me.
"It's ok. At least you can admit it and feel bad about it. That's a couple steps up from the rest of the species."
For a person that prides himself on not even being the same species as those who have come before me, I felt the sting of the way I acted. I'm not like them. I'm not. I'm not. I am not. I am a better person. I don't play with girls heads or hearts. I don't.
Please, please, please, please, please when I come over tomorrow can you grab my face and give me a kiss, look me in the eyes and tell me that it's okay? I think I feel awful enough to where I will never do this again, but I want to stop feeling awful at some point and I'm going to need your face to show me that I can be forgiven. I don't want to be another one of THOSE guys. I want to be THE guy. I want to be yours...
:-(
I love you. See you in the morning. <3
Update: No. You know, I'm not like them. Not at all. Because I would never try to be all passive aggressive and mean in an attempt to get you do to something outside of your moral grounds or to change your values. And I would never use our entire relationship as a bargaining chip to try to do it.
I did act like a dick tonight. I did get all weird to try to make you say you wanted me to come over, but that's a fairly small thing, right? I still feel terrible... but I think maybe I can forgive myself? I am NOT the same species as them. I am a whole different species. I'm a keeper. I'm just a keeper that let a bad part of himself come out tonight. I can learn from my mistakes.
I'm sorry. <3
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
a simple list 11:13 AM
I thought it would be fun to make a list of the reasons I love you. Some are silly, some are sort of deep, and some are just little observations I've made in the past couple of months. Obviously, I could go on forever so I had to cap it off at 100. I hope you don't mind.
So, without further adieu, here are 100 reasons why I absolutely love you:
1. the way you hold a smile in sometimes and your face gets all scrunchy and cute
2. the way your eyes just beam and sparkle when you look at me
3. how we can hang out and do whatever and it always feels right
4. the way your hair falls over your cheeks and on your neck...so I can brush it aside to kiss you
5. because you say "i love you" first sometimes
6. when i text you before i come over and ask you if you're sure you want me to come, you say "pshhh yeah!" or "hurry up!" or something cute
7. your laugh. it's incredible.
8. when you laugh so hard you snort
9. your nose. it's so cute and little. sorry for biting it sometimes :-P
10. your kisses. i like how they can go on forever. i plan on taking you up on that.
11. your neck. its long and kissable. (and when you look at the scar i hope you remember that i will be there for you through both the best and worst of times)
12. the way you like to take ridiculous pictures
13. the way you love the fact that i am insane... you call me ridiculous with such endearment in your voice
14. your sense of fashion. you're cute <3
15. the fact that you haven't let anyone trample your morals. you have conviction in your beliefs, sometimes in the face of loss, and it shows a lot about you as a person. you're strong. i admire that. i promise to always respect that too.
16. the way you put your head on my shoulder on car rides sometimes
17. the way you let me hold your hand all of the time
18. the sound of your voice (and i mean every sound, especially when you get all worked up and high pitched, thats cute)
19. your cheeks. they're highly kissable.
20. the same goes for your forehead
21. your new "blair waldorf headband fashion"
22. the way you pull your cute voice out and act all timid when you ask me to take you somewhere. totally unnecessary, but totally lovable
23. the way you are opening my doors to awesome new things. (musicals, gg, a fine frenzy, sinatra/mills brothers, yoga, I could go on forever...)
24. the way you don't mind spending ALL of your time with me. ******this one is awesome******
25. the way you rock out to music in my car
26. the way you make me feel appreciated as a boyfriend
27. the fact that your bed has 6 bajillion blankets. love it.
28. the fact that you put up with me sleeping in your bed for like 4 hours every night
29. because you're just plain awesome
30. the way you can go out in public unshowered with sweat pants on. you're easygoing and i love it.
31. the fact that you want to take classes with me
32. the hilarious things you say (back on the shelf... hahaha)
33. the fact that you can laugh at all of the random shit that comes out of my mouth
34. the way i get all nervous around you still sometimes, even after three months
35. your family. i sort of want your brother to be my bff
36. your choice of reading material. ummm... a smart girl? hell yes. P&P ftw.
37. the fact that you get stuff done. when you have to do something, you do it. simple. awesome.
38. umm... because you were the best assistant ever...?
39. your friends. you've got some really great ones. hold onto em.
40. your big brown eyes <3333 (not mud)
41. when you use your big brown eyes to get what you want
42. the fact that you're planning to team up with Chelsea and our tiny humans to get what you want
43. the fact that you hate megan fox as much as i do
44. because you let me borrow your books
45. because you made me a book reading list
46. because you let me rate your burps
47. the inside jokes we have amassed (sailboats, bubbles...etc.)
48. the fact that i'm pretty sure that you're smarter than me.
49. the fact that your name is keeley. how badass is that? yay for crazy names.
50. our mutual enjoyment of nature.
51. one word... thorax
52. the way we make food together
53. the way we can be condescending together
54. your craftmaking skills
55. because you work for the BUFFALO EFFING NEWS! AWESOME!
56. because you get all of my obscure little random references
57. our mutual love of christmas music
58. the fact that we have the future sorta planned out and it feels right
59. our mutual love of travel
60. the way we can drink together and have fun with it
61. that way you play with your hair when you're reading a text
62. the way you make yourself at home in my bedroom
63. because you make me a better person. (i have you to thank for my internship, my continuing role on the paper, my new love of cooking, my clean room... what can i say? you motivate me.)
64. because you are willing to put up with my friends, even the boring ones
65. you laugh at my bad jokes (knock knock... who's there?... the interrupting cow... the interrupting cow who?.............. moo.)
66. the way you balance science and your beliefs and constantly correct me when I accidently say "believe in evolution"
67. because you totally stalked me for the first half of this year... excuse me.. pined. :-P
68. your general girlyness (love of shiny things, fuzzy animals, etc.)
69. i think this is an appropriate number to bring up ice skating... don't you? umm... love it. especially the showers in boston and the blue dress in nyc... :-)
70. because you put up with all of my flaws and never bitch at me about them.. and there are plenty
71. because you let me open doors and carry heavy things and pay for your meals. chivalry is not dead, i promise.
72. our ridiculous nicknames for our exes... and the way we can talk about them even when we weren't supposed to
73. your long long legs... <333
74. oddly enough... your health issues. its lame but they pull me closer to you. i like to try to help.
75. your hair. it really is beautiful. up, down, sideways, all messed up... it doesn't matter.
76. the way you get all crazy when you drink... awesome
77. because you are quite possibly the funniest girl i have ever met
78. ummm.. because you compliment me. i might act all cool and calm all of the time but that's not the whole story. the ego-boost is good. which brings me to my next point...
79. the way i can let you in on all of my deep, dark little secrets without feeling weird. you are my rock. you are my sunshine. i need you from here on out.
80. because you deserve it. you deserve someone to love you with all of their heart. you're an amazing girl and i'm sorry for the bullshit guys you've dated.
81. the way you put your hand on the back of my neck when we're kissing. superhot.
82. because youre as ticklish as me
83. because we fit together like spoons in a kitchen drawer
84. your good taste in movies... chick flicks? yes, plz.
85. because you make me excited for the future. cali, nyc, boston, dc, st pete? it doesn't matter, as long as i'm with you.
86. the way you clap your hands when you get excited
87. your toes... i think they're cute
88. your socks too. awesome.
89. and scarves! haha <3
90. your ears. they're kissable and nibblable (is that a word?)
91. the way you like to do ridiculous things with me (tops at midnight for juice boxes, searching for homeless kids in the woods at UB, etc.)
92. because you think its hot when i play guitar
93. your obsession with Perez... haha
94. just because the very thought of you, just a flash of your face in my mind, makes me smile every time
95. because you make me feel complete. you're the missing piece to my puzzle
96. the way you'll wear matching clothes with me... we're dorks
97. you have great taste in music
98. ...because you are beautiful. You don't even have to try. I've seen you when you wake up in the morning with an old T-shirt of mine on and some baggy sweat pants and your hair is all messed up and I still think that you're beautiful. I really do. I mean it. You're beautiful.
99. Because on that fateful January day, when you casually mentioned that you had a boyfriend, I almost gave up on you. And then on that car ride on the way to UB to go to Sole, we had that great conversation, and it sparked that little spark. And then that little spark grew and grew. And then the baseball game happened and I couldn't ignore that spark anymore. I couldn't ignore it because that spark was a full fledged fire by then. And then we chatted for all of April and that fire turned into a raging forest fire. And then there were those four days where I was single. And the first day was amazing. And then April 22 occurred. And things have been perfect since then. Absolutely perfect. You've given me the best summer of my life. <333
100. the fact that this list was super easy to make... wanna know why?
Because i love you. <3
I love you. Those words always seem to be ready to jump out of my mouth all the time these days. You do that to me.
I love you. <3
So, without further adieu, here are 100 reasons why I absolutely love you:
1. the way you hold a smile in sometimes and your face gets all scrunchy and cute
2. the way your eyes just beam and sparkle when you look at me
3. how we can hang out and do whatever and it always feels right
4. the way your hair falls over your cheeks and on your neck...so I can brush it aside to kiss you
5. because you say "i love you" first sometimes
6. when i text you before i come over and ask you if you're sure you want me to come, you say "pshhh yeah!" or "hurry up!" or something cute
7. your laugh. it's incredible.
8. when you laugh so hard you snort
9. your nose. it's so cute and little. sorry for biting it sometimes :-P
10. your kisses. i like how they can go on forever. i plan on taking you up on that.
11. your neck. its long and kissable. (and when you look at the scar i hope you remember that i will be there for you through both the best and worst of times)
12. the way you like to take ridiculous pictures
13. the way you love the fact that i am insane... you call me ridiculous with such endearment in your voice
14. your sense of fashion. you're cute <3
15. the fact that you haven't let anyone trample your morals. you have conviction in your beliefs, sometimes in the face of loss, and it shows a lot about you as a person. you're strong. i admire that. i promise to always respect that too.
16. the way you put your head on my shoulder on car rides sometimes
17. the way you let me hold your hand all of the time
18. the sound of your voice (and i mean every sound, especially when you get all worked up and high pitched, thats cute)
19. your cheeks. they're highly kissable.
20. the same goes for your forehead
21. your new "blair waldorf headband fashion"
22. the way you pull your cute voice out and act all timid when you ask me to take you somewhere. totally unnecessary, but totally lovable
23. the way you are opening my doors to awesome new things. (musicals, gg, a fine frenzy, sinatra/mills brothers, yoga, I could go on forever...)
24. the way you don't mind spending ALL of your time with me. ******this one is awesome******
25. the way you rock out to music in my car
26. the way you make me feel appreciated as a boyfriend
27. the fact that your bed has 6 bajillion blankets. love it.
28. the fact that you put up with me sleeping in your bed for like 4 hours every night
29. because you're just plain awesome
30. the way you can go out in public unshowered with sweat pants on. you're easygoing and i love it.
31. the fact that you want to take classes with me
32. the hilarious things you say (back on the shelf... hahaha)
33. the fact that you can laugh at all of the random shit that comes out of my mouth
34. the way i get all nervous around you still sometimes, even after three months
35. your family. i sort of want your brother to be my bff
36. your choice of reading material. ummm... a smart girl? hell yes. P&P ftw.
37. the fact that you get stuff done. when you have to do something, you do it. simple. awesome.
38. umm... because you were the best assistant ever...?
39. your friends. you've got some really great ones. hold onto em.
40. your big brown eyes <3333 (not mud)
41. when you use your big brown eyes to get what you want
42. the fact that you're planning to team up with Chelsea and our tiny humans to get what you want
43. the fact that you hate megan fox as much as i do
44. because you let me borrow your books
45. because you made me a book reading list
46. because you let me rate your burps
47. the inside jokes we have amassed (sailboats, bubbles...etc.)
48. the fact that i'm pretty sure that you're smarter than me.
49. the fact that your name is keeley. how badass is that? yay for crazy names.
50. our mutual enjoyment of nature.
51. one word... thorax
52. the way we make food together
53. the way we can be condescending together
54. your craftmaking skills
55. because you work for the BUFFALO EFFING NEWS! AWESOME!
56. because you get all of my obscure little random references
57. our mutual love of christmas music
58. the fact that we have the future sorta planned out and it feels right
59. our mutual love of travel
60. the way we can drink together and have fun with it
61. that way you play with your hair when you're reading a text
62. the way you make yourself at home in my bedroom
63. because you make me a better person. (i have you to thank for my internship, my continuing role on the paper, my new love of cooking, my clean room... what can i say? you motivate me.)
64. because you are willing to put up with my friends, even the boring ones
65. you laugh at my bad jokes (knock knock... who's there?... the interrupting cow... the interrupting cow who?.............. moo.)
66. the way you balance science and your beliefs and constantly correct me when I accidently say "believe in evolution"
67. because you totally stalked me for the first half of this year... excuse me.. pined. :-P
68. your general girlyness (love of shiny things, fuzzy animals, etc.)
69. i think this is an appropriate number to bring up ice skating... don't you? umm... love it. especially the showers in boston and the blue dress in nyc... :-)
70. because you put up with all of my flaws and never bitch at me about them.. and there are plenty
71. because you let me open doors and carry heavy things and pay for your meals. chivalry is not dead, i promise.
72. our ridiculous nicknames for our exes... and the way we can talk about them even when we weren't supposed to
73. your long long legs... <333
74. oddly enough... your health issues. its lame but they pull me closer to you. i like to try to help.
75. your hair. it really is beautiful. up, down, sideways, all messed up... it doesn't matter.
76. the way you get all crazy when you drink... awesome
77. because you are quite possibly the funniest girl i have ever met
78. ummm.. because you compliment me. i might act all cool and calm all of the time but that's not the whole story. the ego-boost is good. which brings me to my next point...
79. the way i can let you in on all of my deep, dark little secrets without feeling weird. you are my rock. you are my sunshine. i need you from here on out.
80. because you deserve it. you deserve someone to love you with all of their heart. you're an amazing girl and i'm sorry for the bullshit guys you've dated.
81. the way you put your hand on the back of my neck when we're kissing. superhot.
82. because youre as ticklish as me
83. because we fit together like spoons in a kitchen drawer
84. your good taste in movies... chick flicks? yes, plz.
85. because you make me excited for the future. cali, nyc, boston, dc, st pete? it doesn't matter, as long as i'm with you.
86. the way you clap your hands when you get excited
87. your toes... i think they're cute
88. your socks too. awesome.
89. and scarves! haha <3
90. your ears. they're kissable and nibblable (is that a word?)
91. the way you like to do ridiculous things with me (tops at midnight for juice boxes, searching for homeless kids in the woods at UB, etc.)
92. because you think its hot when i play guitar
93. your obsession with Perez... haha
94. just because the very thought of you, just a flash of your face in my mind, makes me smile every time
95. because you make me feel complete. you're the missing piece to my puzzle
96. the way you'll wear matching clothes with me... we're dorks
97. you have great taste in music
98. ...because you are beautiful. You don't even have to try. I've seen you when you wake up in the morning with an old T-shirt of mine on and some baggy sweat pants and your hair is all messed up and I still think that you're beautiful. I really do. I mean it. You're beautiful.
99. Because on that fateful January day, when you casually mentioned that you had a boyfriend, I almost gave up on you. And then on that car ride on the way to UB to go to Sole, we had that great conversation, and it sparked that little spark. And then that little spark grew and grew. And then the baseball game happened and I couldn't ignore that spark anymore. I couldn't ignore it because that spark was a full fledged fire by then. And then we chatted for all of April and that fire turned into a raging forest fire. And then there were those four days where I was single. And the first day was amazing. And then April 22 occurred. And things have been perfect since then. Absolutely perfect. You've given me the best summer of my life. <333
100. the fact that this list was super easy to make... wanna know why?
Because i love you. <3
I love you. Those words always seem to be ready to jump out of my mouth all the time these days. You do that to me.
I love you. <3
crazy late night post 3:10 AM
I can't sleep.
Usually when I can't sleep it's because there's something bugging me or there's some sort of problem. Tonight, I can't sleep because of the exact opposite.
Tonight, I can't fall asleep because life is perfect.
Tonight, I can't sleep because you are perfect.
You see, I sort of never thought that there was a perfect girl for me. I always thought that I would have to settle for a girl with some flaws but I would eventually learn to live them with and get over it. I assumed that it would take some work at first, but I could eventually be happy with just about any girl.
Way to turn that idea upside down. Now I'm sitting here, absolutely astonished at how awesome life is, and I can't fall asleep.
I see you every day. I can't say that I know everything about you, because you've lived on this earth for 22 years without me and I missed out on a lot, but I can say that I know a good deal of the important things about you. And from what I've seen, you are everything I dreamed of in a girl.
No, you're more than I dreamed of in a girl.
I know that you think you have some problems. I've heard about them. I don't care. The flaws that you think you have make me love you even more.
When I think about you and me and everything we have and everything we've planned I feel fulfilled and lucky and blessed and extremely fortunate all at the same time. You know I'm not exactly a religious person but I feel like I should thank someone for bringing us together. I need to thank someone for completing my puzzle. I need to thank someone for putting two pieces of clay from the same mold back together.
I also want to tell you that I'm sorry. I know that I'm not exactly perfect. I've done some things in my past that I'm not entirely proud of, some things I could take back if I could. I want to apologize for those things and thank you for never being judgmental. You accept me for who I am and you love me despite of all of it. I couldn't ask for anything more. I appreciate that soooo much.
I told you today that I want to make up for all of the garbage you've dealt with in the past. I want to make up for the time I acted like a jerk before we were together (pre-awesome, as you so fondly refer to it). I also want to make up for the telephone pole, and the hobbit, and the kid from Beth Cooper, and whatever other crappy people you've had to deal with. I know you said that you haven't put up with anything outside the realm of things that other girls deal with, but you're not some "other girl." You're MY girl. You're the PERFECT girl. You deserve better.
It might not be my place to try to make up for them, but I feel like I owe it to you. You've been dealing with crappy boys with juvenile agendas for the past, I don't know, seven years or so. You've weathered heartbreak, confusion, torment, anguish, longing, and pain and it's time for it all to stop. I'm pulling you from the games that boys play and showing you how a real man should treat you.
My plans for the future include you and me and a very big world that is just begging for us to visit it. We are going to check off every little item on your to-do list, one by one. And then one day, when we've traveled enough and we're weary from the road for a little bit, we'll start our beautiful little family which will inevitably include cute doe-eyed babies that know how to look at daddy to get their way.
All that matters to me is that I have you to share it all with.
I love you with all of my heart and my soul and I swear on my own life that I will never, ever let you go.
Usually when I can't sleep it's because there's something bugging me or there's some sort of problem. Tonight, I can't sleep because of the exact opposite.
Tonight, I can't fall asleep because life is perfect.
Tonight, I can't sleep because you are perfect.
You see, I sort of never thought that there was a perfect girl for me. I always thought that I would have to settle for a girl with some flaws but I would eventually learn to live them with and get over it. I assumed that it would take some work at first, but I could eventually be happy with just about any girl.
Way to turn that idea upside down. Now I'm sitting here, absolutely astonished at how awesome life is, and I can't fall asleep.
I see you every day. I can't say that I know everything about you, because you've lived on this earth for 22 years without me and I missed out on a lot, but I can say that I know a good deal of the important things about you. And from what I've seen, you are everything I dreamed of in a girl.
No, you're more than I dreamed of in a girl.
I know that you think you have some problems. I've heard about them. I don't care. The flaws that you think you have make me love you even more.
When I think about you and me and everything we have and everything we've planned I feel fulfilled and lucky and blessed and extremely fortunate all at the same time. You know I'm not exactly a religious person but I feel like I should thank someone for bringing us together. I need to thank someone for completing my puzzle. I need to thank someone for putting two pieces of clay from the same mold back together.
I also want to tell you that I'm sorry. I know that I'm not exactly perfect. I've done some things in my past that I'm not entirely proud of, some things I could take back if I could. I want to apologize for those things and thank you for never being judgmental. You accept me for who I am and you love me despite of all of it. I couldn't ask for anything more. I appreciate that soooo much.
I told you today that I want to make up for all of the garbage you've dealt with in the past. I want to make up for the time I acted like a jerk before we were together (pre-awesome, as you so fondly refer to it). I also want to make up for the telephone pole, and the hobbit, and the kid from Beth Cooper, and whatever other crappy people you've had to deal with. I know you said that you haven't put up with anything outside the realm of things that other girls deal with, but you're not some "other girl." You're MY girl. You're the PERFECT girl. You deserve better.
It might not be my place to try to make up for them, but I feel like I owe it to you. You've been dealing with crappy boys with juvenile agendas for the past, I don't know, seven years or so. You've weathered heartbreak, confusion, torment, anguish, longing, and pain and it's time for it all to stop. I'm pulling you from the games that boys play and showing you how a real man should treat you.
My plans for the future include you and me and a very big world that is just begging for us to visit it. We are going to check off every little item on your to-do list, one by one. And then one day, when we've traveled enough and we're weary from the road for a little bit, we'll start our beautiful little family which will inevitably include cute doe-eyed babies that know how to look at daddy to get their way.
All that matters to me is that I have you to share it all with.
I love you with all of my heart and my soul and I swear on my own life that I will never, ever let you go.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Validation 3:05 PM
When you really, really like someone, it really doesn't matter what everyone else thinks about your relationship. The mutual feelings between you should be enough to keep everything strong.
That said, it doesn't hurt when everyone and their brother tells you how cute you are together.
I have never, ever, once gotten a compliment about the way a girlfriend and myself look as a couple.
But in the past month and a half, we've had at least a half of a dozen people call us cute or adorable or a great couple. And it feels good.
It takes that feeling that I have, the one that tells me that she is the perfect girl for me, and it multiplies it. It takes that feeling and strengthens it and emboldens it and makes me love her even more.
It's really weird being in a relationship where everything seems to be pointed in the right direction. There have been times in the past where it was like "yeah, okay, things are going well but there's this that I don't like, or I have to worry about that." Blah blah blah.
But with my current girlfriend, there are no "little things." There are no little details about her that I have to ignore to be happy. She doesn't do anything that pisses me off or gets under my skin. She doesn't say dumb things that embarrass me in front of my friends.
It's quite the opposite. Almost every day I see her she amazes me just a little bit more. She'll drop some obscure reference or say something super cute or even use one of my little catchphrases and it just makes me fall that much more in love. And every time I look at her, every freaking time I look at her, all I can think about is how beautiful she is. I am so incredibly attracted to this girl that it's ridiculous.
If we both had a whole free day and it was rainy outside and we were stuck in my bedroom I would... well, I'm going to stop there.
But my god... I get that feeling deep in my chest every time I see her for the first time each day. And every night when she shuts the door and looks at me through the window I capture that image of her in my mind. I freeze it and look at it over and over for as long as I'm awake.
She is beautiful.
That said, it doesn't hurt when everyone and their brother tells you how cute you are together.
I have never, ever, once gotten a compliment about the way a girlfriend and myself look as a couple.
But in the past month and a half, we've had at least a half of a dozen people call us cute or adorable or a great couple. And it feels good.
It takes that feeling that I have, the one that tells me that she is the perfect girl for me, and it multiplies it. It takes that feeling and strengthens it and emboldens it and makes me love her even more.
It's really weird being in a relationship where everything seems to be pointed in the right direction. There have been times in the past where it was like "yeah, okay, things are going well but there's this that I don't like, or I have to worry about that." Blah blah blah.
But with my current girlfriend, there are no "little things." There are no little details about her that I have to ignore to be happy. She doesn't do anything that pisses me off or gets under my skin. She doesn't say dumb things that embarrass me in front of my friends.
It's quite the opposite. Almost every day I see her she amazes me just a little bit more. She'll drop some obscure reference or say something super cute or even use one of my little catchphrases and it just makes me fall that much more in love. And every time I look at her, every freaking time I look at her, all I can think about is how beautiful she is. I am so incredibly attracted to this girl that it's ridiculous.
If we both had a whole free day and it was rainy outside and we were stuck in my bedroom I would... well, I'm going to stop there.
But my god... I get that feeling deep in my chest every time I see her for the first time each day. And every night when she shuts the door and looks at me through the window I capture that image of her in my mind. I freeze it and look at it over and over for as long as I'm awake.
She is beautiful.
Friday, June 26, 2009
If there was any tiny little sliver of doubt in my mind that she was the one for me, that doubt has been shattered.
These past two days have given me a glimpse of life without her. It's a life that I'm not interested in living.
When I wake up in the morning in my empty bed I don't feel those bolts of excitement and happiness. I don't feel that bristling energy that pulls me out of bed, into the shower, and into my car. I feel nothing.
It was bad today because I didn't think I would be able to talk to her. But I did, and I'm feeling a little better.
It's just that all of the incredible feelings that wash over me when she's around are completely across the country right now, and I'm having a hard time dealing with it.
When she's around I practically float from place to place. I've got this stupid smile constantly plastered on my face. I feel like I could face the world and come out unscathed.
I just feel sort of alone right now.
Thank god for the books she gave me. They're like a tranquilizer. They keep me calm and complacent when I'm reading them. But I can't read ALL of the time. Those slivers of day where reading is impossible; when I'm driving, when I'm just getting to work, when I'm at the paper, those are misery. Because my thoughts catch up to me.
What if she gets hurt? What if something happens way out there? Does she miss me as much as I miss her? Is she thinking about me?
Ugh.. I've got to go read....
Please come back to me in one piece. I won't be able to live without you.
These past two days have given me a glimpse of life without her. It's a life that I'm not interested in living.
When I wake up in the morning in my empty bed I don't feel those bolts of excitement and happiness. I don't feel that bristling energy that pulls me out of bed, into the shower, and into my car. I feel nothing.
It was bad today because I didn't think I would be able to talk to her. But I did, and I'm feeling a little better.
It's just that all of the incredible feelings that wash over me when she's around are completely across the country right now, and I'm having a hard time dealing with it.
When she's around I practically float from place to place. I've got this stupid smile constantly plastered on my face. I feel like I could face the world and come out unscathed.
I just feel sort of alone right now.
Thank god for the books she gave me. They're like a tranquilizer. They keep me calm and complacent when I'm reading them. But I can't read ALL of the time. Those slivers of day where reading is impossible; when I'm driving, when I'm just getting to work, when I'm at the paper, those are misery. Because my thoughts catch up to me.
What if she gets hurt? What if something happens way out there? Does she miss me as much as I miss her? Is she thinking about me?
Ugh.. I've got to go read....
Please come back to me in one piece. I won't be able to live without you.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
My goals... 9:30 AM
This is somewhat of a response post... it's a list of things I want to do in life.
Drive to Alaska
Learn to surf in Hawaii
Drive across the country in a van with a bunch of close friends
Make out on the beach as the sun sets
Ride a donkey down the Grand Canyon
Take a ride on a horse through the country
Learn to play piano
Ride in a hot air balloon
Join the mile high club
Purchase a tailored suit
Party until the sun comes up
Go to that tomato throwing thing in Barcelona or whatever
Drink fresh whiskey in Ireland
Purchase and learn to use a D-SLR camera
Get my own column in a newspaper
Drink freshly brewed coffee in South America
Go skinny dipping (not alone)
Visit Banff National Park in Canada
Learn to snowboard
Help rebuild a house in New Orleans
Volunteer in a soup kitchen on thanksgiving or Christmas
Read all the great literary classics
Learn French
Crash a grad party or wedding
Learn some epic dances before I get married
Eat stinky tofu in Thailand
Go to one of those epic water parks from the Travel Channel
Visit Dubai
Sneak into Tibet
Learn to eat and enjoy grits
Write a vegetarian cookbook
Own my own fruit tree
Start composting my old food
Camp near a waterfall
Get motorcycle license and drive one through the hills of some foreign country
Build a humongous sandcastle and snowman
Volunteer in an AIDS clinic in Africa for a couple weeks
Explore Giza and Egypt in general
Start a charity or non-profit
Eat fresh cheese and wine in Italy
Take train across Europe and backpack for a couple weeks
Pet a bear
Have a caricature made of me
Record my own songs and give them to friends
Build a tree fort with my children
See a tornado
Go to burning man
Go to a really high, dark place to look at the stars with my love
I will add more as I think of them.
Drive to Alaska
Learn to surf in Hawaii
Drive across the country in a van with a bunch of close friends
Make out on the beach as the sun sets
Ride a donkey down the Grand Canyon
Take a ride on a horse through the country
Learn to play piano
Ride in a hot air balloon
Join the mile high club
Purchase a tailored suit
Party until the sun comes up
Go to that tomato throwing thing in Barcelona or whatever
Drink fresh whiskey in Ireland
Purchase and learn to use a D-SLR camera
Get my own column in a newspaper
Drink freshly brewed coffee in South America
Go skinny dipping (not alone)
Visit Banff National Park in Canada
Learn to snowboard
Help rebuild a house in New Orleans
Volunteer in a soup kitchen on thanksgiving or Christmas
Read all the great literary classics
Learn French
Crash a grad party or wedding
Learn some epic dances before I get married
Eat stinky tofu in Thailand
Go to one of those epic water parks from the Travel Channel
Visit Dubai
Sneak into Tibet
Learn to eat and enjoy grits
Write a vegetarian cookbook
Own my own fruit tree
Start composting my old food
Camp near a waterfall
Get motorcycle license and drive one through the hills of some foreign country
Build a humongous sandcastle and snowman
Volunteer in an AIDS clinic in Africa for a couple weeks
Explore Giza and Egypt in general
Start a charity or non-profit
Eat fresh cheese and wine in Italy
Take train across Europe and backpack for a couple weeks
Pet a bear
Have a caricature made of me
Record my own songs and give them to friends
Build a tree fort with my children
See a tornado
Go to burning man
Go to a really high, dark place to look at the stars with my love
I will add more as I think of them.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
A letter 11:09 PM
Dear Cutie,
This is the beginning of a love letter.
The reason I say that this is the beginning of a letter, and not a complete one, is because I will never be able to explain exactly how I feel about you in one little blog post. However, I think it will be a good start to a letter that I plan on writing every day, for the rest of my life.
I'm not even sure how to begin this... you are everything to me.
When I joined the paper, the only things that I really had on my mind were that I would be meeting new people, maybe I'd gain a friend or two, and I'd have a good time. If you would have told me that 1. I'd meet the perfect girl 2. she would eventually fall in love with me and 3. that perfect girl would actually only live a few miles away from me... I totally would have laughed.
We faced our first setback when we were both staff writers at the same time. I was a shining star at the news desk while you dropped the course. It didn't matter, because we would meet later. You were a writer when I was an assistant editor. You were cute, and from Lockport, and I noticed you. However, you always ran away right after class and I didn't get much chance to talk with you.
Flash forward a couple of months. We had a little discussion about which writers we wanted to make assistants. You were a clear, unanimous decision. I was excited... you would be my assistant. We went to Chefs for our little Christmas party and you looked so cute. We got free cheese bread. Haha
Flash forward to the next semester. I had a thing for you, but as soon as you muttered the word "boyfriend" I dropped back. I didn't want to be that guy again.
Fate would play us differently.
We went to Sole a few weeks after the semester started. You asked for a ride. I said, sure, why not? We were talking on the way there. It was honestly some of the best conversation I have ever had with a girl that I knew so little about. We seemed to have some sort of connection, though at the time I could never have predicted its magnitiude.
Still, we both pushed on with our separate relationships for some time. My little crush on you grew slowly, yours a bit more quickly.
Then came the bigger setback. You went to NYC on a trip with the others. I didn't. You got close with someone. I didn't like that. When you came back and were being overly friendly with him, and when other people were saying things, I withdrew. A lot. My heart can only take so much before I go crazy, and I could feel that old familiar pain.
I upset you. I'm sorry. I will never make up for that mistake, though I plan on trying.
Still, we watched our stupid videos, we laughed and joked occasionally. I never stopped liking you. In fact, I could feel it growing stronger every day, despite my attempts to keep it at bay.
Then came the ball game. You were drunk. So was I. A creep kept hitting on you. I switched over to protective boyfriend mode... something I wasn't expecting. Then you went missing. That's when I clicked. Searching through those wide halls of the stadium, I knew I wouldn't be happy until I could call you mine.
Everything progressed from there, slowly at first, but more quickly later on, until we reached the point we're at today.
When I first saw you in late August/early September, I would have never guessed that we would end up together. There is no way I could have known you were the perfect girl.
We click so well on every level.
We laugh, we joke, we read and eat and sleep. We write and edit. We talk, we stare, we taste and touch, smell and listen.
Every single on of your qualities matches up with one of mine in some way. You are the pickle to my peanut butter. You are the ketchup to my grilled cheese. You mean everything to me and more.
When we were made we were set apart. And I have to speculate that God himself did make us into corresponding shapes. Like puzzle pieces from the clay. So brown eyes I hold you near, cause you're the only song I want to hear. A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere.
It kills me to know that you were so close before, just right down the road, and we could have never met.
You and I, the couple who can talk about anything, laugh about anything, and do anything together. We could have never met. It's so scary, yet it fills me with a sense of fulfillment. We did meet, and things are perfect.
I wake up every day to your beautiful face on my mind. I fall asleep every day thinking the same. Every second in between is for you. You are always on my mind. Your love is always in my heart.
I'm very lucky to have you and I plan on keeping you forever. And when forever is over, I'll keep you one more day.
You make me believe in soul mates and providence and fate.
I love you. I always will. That's a promise I will never break. My heart won't let me.
-Ren
This is the beginning of a love letter.
The reason I say that this is the beginning of a letter, and not a complete one, is because I will never be able to explain exactly how I feel about you in one little blog post. However, I think it will be a good start to a letter that I plan on writing every day, for the rest of my life.
I'm not even sure how to begin this... you are everything to me.
When I joined the paper, the only things that I really had on my mind were that I would be meeting new people, maybe I'd gain a friend or two, and I'd have a good time. If you would have told me that 1. I'd meet the perfect girl 2. she would eventually fall in love with me and 3. that perfect girl would actually only live a few miles away from me... I totally would have laughed.
We faced our first setback when we were both staff writers at the same time. I was a shining star at the news desk while you dropped the course. It didn't matter, because we would meet later. You were a writer when I was an assistant editor. You were cute, and from Lockport, and I noticed you. However, you always ran away right after class and I didn't get much chance to talk with you.
Flash forward a couple of months. We had a little discussion about which writers we wanted to make assistants. You were a clear, unanimous decision. I was excited... you would be my assistant. We went to Chefs for our little Christmas party and you looked so cute. We got free cheese bread. Haha
Flash forward to the next semester. I had a thing for you, but as soon as you muttered the word "boyfriend" I dropped back. I didn't want to be that guy again.
Fate would play us differently.
We went to Sole a few weeks after the semester started. You asked for a ride. I said, sure, why not? We were talking on the way there. It was honestly some of the best conversation I have ever had with a girl that I knew so little about. We seemed to have some sort of connection, though at the time I could never have predicted its magnitiude.
Still, we both pushed on with our separate relationships for some time. My little crush on you grew slowly, yours a bit more quickly.
Then came the bigger setback. You went to NYC on a trip with the others. I didn't. You got close with someone. I didn't like that. When you came back and were being overly friendly with him, and when other people were saying things, I withdrew. A lot. My heart can only take so much before I go crazy, and I could feel that old familiar pain.
I upset you. I'm sorry. I will never make up for that mistake, though I plan on trying.
Still, we watched our stupid videos, we laughed and joked occasionally. I never stopped liking you. In fact, I could feel it growing stronger every day, despite my attempts to keep it at bay.
Then came the ball game. You were drunk. So was I. A creep kept hitting on you. I switched over to protective boyfriend mode... something I wasn't expecting. Then you went missing. That's when I clicked. Searching through those wide halls of the stadium, I knew I wouldn't be happy until I could call you mine.
Everything progressed from there, slowly at first, but more quickly later on, until we reached the point we're at today.
When I first saw you in late August/early September, I would have never guessed that we would end up together. There is no way I could have known you were the perfect girl.
We click so well on every level.
We laugh, we joke, we read and eat and sleep. We write and edit. We talk, we stare, we taste and touch, smell and listen.
Every single on of your qualities matches up with one of mine in some way. You are the pickle to my peanut butter. You are the ketchup to my grilled cheese. You mean everything to me and more.
When we were made we were set apart. And I have to speculate that God himself did make us into corresponding shapes. Like puzzle pieces from the clay. So brown eyes I hold you near, cause you're the only song I want to hear. A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere.
It kills me to know that you were so close before, just right down the road, and we could have never met.
You and I, the couple who can talk about anything, laugh about anything, and do anything together. We could have never met. It's so scary, yet it fills me with a sense of fulfillment. We did meet, and things are perfect.
I wake up every day to your beautiful face on my mind. I fall asleep every day thinking the same. Every second in between is for you. You are always on my mind. Your love is always in my heart.
I'm very lucky to have you and I plan on keeping you forever. And when forever is over, I'll keep you one more day.
You make me believe in soul mates and providence and fate.
I love you. I always will. That's a promise I will never break. My heart won't let me.
-Ren
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Coming soon... 1:32 AM
I was going to write a really epic post tonight but I got tired all of a sudden.
Expect to see it soon.
Expect to see it soon.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
...no crescendo? 8:50 AM
I honestly believe that this is a mountain without a peak.
I keep climbing, higher and higher, every day.
Just when I think I can't possibly love her any more than I already do...
...just when I think I have climbed high enough to push open the gates to heaven...
...I climb even higher, guided gently from behind by her calming winds.
Still, my legs are strong, my heart is pumping, and my dreams are set...
I could climb this mountain forever.
And I will.
I keep climbing, higher and higher, every day.
Just when I think I can't possibly love her any more than I already do...
...just when I think I have climbed high enough to push open the gates to heaven...
...I climb even higher, guided gently from behind by her calming winds.
Still, my legs are strong, my heart is pumping, and my dreams are set...
I could climb this mountain forever.
And I will.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
I know what they want and I know they don't want me to stay 10:40 PM
Pro: she actually has friends and spends time with them.
Con: she doesn't really talk to me much when she's with them, but I can understand that.
The pro outweighs the con in this situation by a landslide, I know from experience that girls without friends are absolutely nuts, but that doesn't mean I still won't be a little sad.
Plus there's one that I don't really trust...
I just need to hear her voice at least once a day. Is that so much to ask?
Con: she doesn't really talk to me much when she's with them, but I can understand that.
The pro outweighs the con in this situation by a landslide, I know from experience that girls without friends are absolutely nuts, but that doesn't mean I still won't be a little sad.
Plus there's one that I don't really trust...
I just need to hear her voice at least once a day. Is that so much to ask?
I love Dave Eggers 1:09 PM
We are disadvantaged but young and virile. We walk the halls and the playground, and we are taller, we radiate. We are orphans. As orphans, we are celebrities. We are foreign exchange people, from a place where there still are orphans. Russia? Romania? Somewhere raw and exotic. We are the bright new stars born of a screaming black hole, the nascent suns burst from the darkness, from the grasping void of space that folds and swallows - a darkness that would devour anyone not as strong as we.
Secret garden.. 8:52 AM
We went for a walk the other day and found the most amazing, pretty little patch of flowers nestled deep in a hillside on the Northern bank of the Erie Canal. The colors were a stunning mix of purple, white, and the most natural green I think I've ever seen.
What makes this patch of heaven even more special is the fact that probably nobody else has taken the time to notice it, and nobody else besides my girlfriend and I can understand just how perfect it is.
I think that our secret garden is a very fitting allegory for our relationship.
There have been, and there continue to be, problems with people who just don't get us.
I had to give a strong lecture to several of my cousins because they chided me for entering a new relationship so quickly after an old one ended, and for spending so much time with my new love.
Similarly, I faced some initial problems with friends due to the fact that I was single for only four days and now I spend a significant amount of time with my new girlfriend.
Now, it seems like cutie is facing the same problem.
People on the outside just don't get our relationship. We are remarkably close. It's almost like we complete each other. We are puzzle pieces designed to fit together.
At the same time, we're fine to spend some time apart, but people just assume that we can't be split up for a few hours so they don't even bother to ask.
The song "Such Great Heights" by the band Postal Service seems 100 percent suitable for life right now.
I think it was Dwayne in Little Miss Sunshine who said; "you do what you love and fuck the rest."
What makes this patch of heaven even more special is the fact that probably nobody else has taken the time to notice it, and nobody else besides my girlfriend and I can understand just how perfect it is.
I think that our secret garden is a very fitting allegory for our relationship.
There have been, and there continue to be, problems with people who just don't get us.
I had to give a strong lecture to several of my cousins because they chided me for entering a new relationship so quickly after an old one ended, and for spending so much time with my new love.
Similarly, I faced some initial problems with friends due to the fact that I was single for only four days and now I spend a significant amount of time with my new girlfriend.
Now, it seems like cutie is facing the same problem.
People on the outside just don't get our relationship. We are remarkably close. It's almost like we complete each other. We are puzzle pieces designed to fit together.
At the same time, we're fine to spend some time apart, but people just assume that we can't be split up for a few hours so they don't even bother to ask.
The song "Such Great Heights" by the band Postal Service seems 100 percent suitable for life right now.
They will see us waving from such great heights,
"come down now", they'll say.
But everything looks perfect from far away,
"come down now", but we'll stay...
I think it was Dwayne in Little Miss Sunshine who said; "you do what you love and fuck the rest."
no worries. 12:58 AM
A very wise friend (!) once told me that life always seems to work out. And even though I already had adopted that philosophy as my own, at the time it helped out more than she knew.
Today, I got my financial aid figures for next semester. Prior to recieving these, I spent a lot of time worrying about how I was going to make ends meet during the school year.
I'm not sure if the numbers went up because my mom lost her job, or if Obama had something to do with it, but now I'll be able to quit People Inc. with no worries (yesss! FMJ!).
I'll also have enough money to hit up Shea's a few times with cutie and buy her some sick Christmas gifts (I have so many ideas). It would be sweet if the boss could hook me up with that phone job too, for added economic security.
That's not all. The title of this post has sort of a double meaning...
Cutie, I know your friends made you sad, but life always seems to work out. I have you, you have me, and together we can work out all of the problems that life throws at us.
I promise.
Today, I got my financial aid figures for next semester. Prior to recieving these, I spent a lot of time worrying about how I was going to make ends meet during the school year.
I'm not sure if the numbers went up because my mom lost her job, or if Obama had something to do with it, but now I'll be able to quit People Inc. with no worries (yesss! FMJ!).
I'll also have enough money to hit up Shea's a few times with cutie and buy her some sick Christmas gifts (I have so many ideas). It would be sweet if the boss could hook me up with that phone job too, for added economic security.
That's not all. The title of this post has sort of a double meaning...
Cutie, I know your friends made you sad, but life always seems to work out. I have you, you have me, and together we can work out all of the problems that life throws at us.
I promise.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Today... 8:42 AM
So I haven't slept since yesterday. I'm tired and feel gross and I have to go to a stupid board of directors meeting at the paper. I have to write an article about swine flu and I have to put a journalist portfolio together. Next week I have to edit a bunch of lame articles.
But that doesn't matter. Because I get to spend the day with her.
And that makes everything better. <3
But that doesn't matter. Because I get to spend the day with her.
And that makes everything better. <3
The beginning of the end.. 12:23 AM
I didn't wake up this morning and intend to have a perfect day.
Every day in the past three weeks has been fairly close to perfection. It just turned out that this one was particularly special.
I'll abbreviate, because what we did is much less important than how it felt.
We made pasta together. We ate cannolis. We took a little snuggle nap and then walked along the canal bank. We got ice cream. We had a little play time. Then I went to work.
Millions of people probably did many of those same things today. Hell, I've done most of those things in the past (except the cannolis... Mmmmm).
But how many of them would consider this the perfect day? How many of them had the best day of their life? How come it never meant this much to me in the past?
Love makes everything shiny. It makes everything new. It takes over your life and your mind and your soul.
You can feel it in your bones when you wake up in the morning and she's the first thing on your mind, and when you fall asleep at night and you can still taste the sweet touch of her lips.
I could have never imagined that such a random assortment of events would lead to a perfect day But that's another thing I've learned about love--it just isn't predictable.
For me, today marked the beginning of the end. Every tiny little lingering doubt in my mind was eliminated without mercy (not that there were many in there).
I'm hers forever.
Welcome to the rest of my life.
Every day in the past three weeks has been fairly close to perfection. It just turned out that this one was particularly special.
I'll abbreviate, because what we did is much less important than how it felt.
We made pasta together. We ate cannolis. We took a little snuggle nap and then walked along the canal bank. We got ice cream. We had a little play time. Then I went to work.
Millions of people probably did many of those same things today. Hell, I've done most of those things in the past (except the cannolis... Mmmmm).
But how many of them would consider this the perfect day? How many of them had the best day of their life? How come it never meant this much to me in the past?
Love makes everything shiny. It makes everything new. It takes over your life and your mind and your soul.
You can feel it in your bones when you wake up in the morning and she's the first thing on your mind, and when you fall asleep at night and you can still taste the sweet touch of her lips.
I could have never imagined that such a random assortment of events would lead to a perfect day But that's another thing I've learned about love--it just isn't predictable.
For me, today marked the beginning of the end. Every tiny little lingering doubt in my mind was eliminated without mercy (not that there were many in there).
I'm hers forever.
Welcome to the rest of my life.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Everything is new again. 4:08 AM
Ren has come back to the world of blogging. And I can finally write what I feel.
I almost gave up on life.
Literally.
Just two months ago, I was at the point where simply jumping off of a very large bridge to meet my flattening demise sounded better than carrying on the way that I was. Not that I was ever suicidal or anything, but life just didn't seem worth living.
I was trying to make something fit that simply wasn't working. And I was doing it for a long time. And it hurt.
Flash forward to now. Life is just ridiculous.
I feel like I'm learning to ride a bike again. Except it's almost like I never knew how to ride a bike in the first place. Everything is new. I'm feeling emotions that I never even knew existed. I'm doing things that I've done a million times in the past and took for granted and enjoying every second of it. And it all feels new.
Kissing. Oh my god. Kissing has never been this good. Kissing and touching and holding hands and cuddling... I never knew it could all feel this amazing.
I'm pretty sure it's safe to say I'm in love. Completely. 100 percent. Hopelessly.
And I wasn't before.
There is still work to be done. I'm still exorcising demons from the past relationship. I'm still figuring out that I don't have to feel guilty for doing the things I love anymore. I don't have to feel like I'm doing something that will piss her off when I'm happy.
But the fact of the matter is; life is perfect, and I'm in love.
I will be blogging more about this soon.
I almost gave up on life.
Literally.
Just two months ago, I was at the point where simply jumping off of a very large bridge to meet my flattening demise sounded better than carrying on the way that I was. Not that I was ever suicidal or anything, but life just didn't seem worth living.
I was trying to make something fit that simply wasn't working. And I was doing it for a long time. And it hurt.
Flash forward to now. Life is just ridiculous.
I feel like I'm learning to ride a bike again. Except it's almost like I never knew how to ride a bike in the first place. Everything is new. I'm feeling emotions that I never even knew existed. I'm doing things that I've done a million times in the past and took for granted and enjoying every second of it. And it all feels new.
Kissing. Oh my god. Kissing has never been this good. Kissing and touching and holding hands and cuddling... I never knew it could all feel this amazing.
I'm pretty sure it's safe to say I'm in love. Completely. 100 percent. Hopelessly.
And I wasn't before.
There is still work to be done. I'm still exorcising demons from the past relationship. I'm still figuring out that I don't have to feel guilty for doing the things I love anymore. I don't have to feel like I'm doing something that will piss her off when I'm happy.
But the fact of the matter is; life is perfect, and I'm in love.
I will be blogging more about this soon.
