I started writing this in my new (offline) journal but I feel like it needs to be on here.

I'm really sorry that I pulled the passive-aggressive, short, asshole-ish answer thing tonight when we were texting after you got home from Krystina's house.

I was under the impression that I was going to come to your house and fall asleep next to you and be all cute and it was all I was looking forward to all night. I'm addicted to you, I guess. I like to be with you ALL of the time.

So when you sent me the <3333 message I immediately started walking out to my car, thinking it meant the same as usual and it was time for me to come over. When you told me that you were tired and that you were just going to go to bed, I obviously didn't take it well.

It shouldn't have bothered me because, I mean, we're going to be together ALL weekend and a lot of time during the school year and it's not like I wasn't just going to come over at like 9 a.m. and make breakfast with you anyway.

But for some reason it got under my skin. Maybe I'm still insecure about friends. When Trisha was with her friends, she spent most the time talking shit about me and then would come home all pissed off and wouldn't want to talk to me for a while. I got used to that and I'm still getting over the fact that you, in fact, ACTUALLY like me and don't say bad things about me behind my back.

I guess that I'm still a little bit scared because I'm SO into you. It was so different before. I mean, I met Trisha when I was 15, we started going out when I was 16, but I never felt about her the way I feel about you. I mean, I thought I did because I was young and dumb and didn't know better...but I didn't. And because of that, if something were to have happened and I would have lost her I would have been able to move on fairly easily. Obviously I did end up moving on easily.

But with you it's different. The stakes are so much higher. I want to be with you for the rest of my life. It didn't take long for me to realize that this relationship was going to be so much different from what I knew. After, like, a week I was blown away. I was excited because I could tell this was something big, something so much more than before, but at the same time I started getting scared. There's an attachment that I never felt before...a need that I never felt before. I need you in my life. I NEED you. I need YOU. There is no way in hell I could ever walk away from us without feeling like my heart had been ripped out, stomped on, and then thrown through a garbage disposal. And then I'd die because I can't imagine what my life would be like without you anymore.

This is why I got so upset tonight. I don't want to lose you. The ugly part of me showed itself a little. There's a part of me that likes to get what he wants, all of the time, and when he doesn't get it then he gets mean. It's been dormant for so long because we match up so well and we always like to do the same things, but it's deep in there. It's the residual effects of observing the way my grandfather and father acted towards my grandmother and mother I guess.

Tonight it scared me. It reared its ugly head and for a minute I tried to make you feel bad about not wanting me to come over. When I realized what I was doing it hurt. I hate myself for it. You are SO much better than this. You don't deserve it. You've dealt with it in the past with the other guys, the other guys that I so adamantly believe I'm not like, but I pulled out the same old garbage.

I planned on showing you that I'm nothing like them, because words are cheap and actions speak louder, but tonight I showed you that at least some little part of me can be just as cruel as them.

And I hate myself for it. When I hung up with you I cried a little because I feel like a failure. My stomach hurts. I'm not like them. I'm not. I never want to do that to you again. Never. I don't want to let myself ruin this relationship.

You tried to reassure me.

"It's ok. At least you can admit it and feel bad about it. That's a couple steps up from the rest of the species."

For a person that prides himself on not even being the same species as those who have come before me, I felt the sting of the way I acted. I'm not like them. I'm not. I'm not. I am not. I am a better person. I don't play with girls heads or hearts. I don't.

Please, please, please, please, please when I come over tomorrow can you grab my face and give me a kiss, look me in the eyes and tell me that it's okay? I think I feel awful enough to where I will never do this again, but I want to stop feeling awful at some point and I'm going to need your face to show me that I can be forgiven. I don't want to be another one of THOSE guys. I want to be THE guy. I want to be yours...

:-(

I love you. See you in the morning. <3


Update: No. You know, I'm not like them. Not at all. Because I would never try to be all passive aggressive and mean in an attempt to get you do to something outside of your moral grounds or to change your values. And I would never use our entire relationship as a bargaining chip to try to do it.

I did act like a dick tonight. I did get all weird to try to make you say you wanted me to come over, but that's a fairly small thing, right? I still feel terrible... but I think maybe I can forgive myself? I am NOT the same species as them. I am a whole different species. I'm a keeper. I'm just a keeper that let a bad part of himself come out tonight. I can learn from my mistakes.

I'm sorry. <3